Actually Show Up

Wednesday May 3, 2023

Ooops. So this when I first read the sentence it made me feel real shitty. I had a coffee date this morning and I didn’t have the spoons to function as a human so I texted my date and let him know. He understood and for the rest of the day we held a rather deep conversation through text message. The conversations are amazing but the texting doesn’t really allow for full immersion into the conversation. Note to self Will absolutely have to remedy that in the future. But where I failed to show up for the date I wound up showing up for someone else in a different way. They didn’t need me to do anything but be there for them and that’s what I did. For me it was just doing my job, for them it was not being alone during a hard time. So maybe there is some silver lining in not showing up on a low spoons day.

No, I am absolutely not willing to settle. Settling will only bring temporary peace and happiness before stagnation sets in. Stagnation leads to toxic thought processes and abusive behaviors, I will not subjugate myself to that. It’s not a matter of I don’t deserve that it’s a matter of I will not stand for it. I deserve to be happily myself, creating and growing with people working just as hard to improve their quality of life.I deserve to be loved in all my chaotic glory and to be able to pour that love into those I care for. I deserve a lot and I’m working my ass off in what feels like near constantly for it. Are there things I’m willing to let go of to compromise and receive what I deserve absolutely. Are there things that I won’t let go of for compromise, a thousand times yes. Those are not going to go away just because a middle ground was found. Those are called boundaries created by experience. They are there for a reason I will not move from them. There is always room for adaptation. Even with an unmoving force. This is why I’m big on communication, specifically clear concise communication. Just because something is not moveable doesn’t mean it has to be left to stew and cause more issues. Adaptation is the learning to adjust to your surroundings and the people with in. Healthy and proper adjustment isn’t going to happen if you are not truest honest with yourself or those around you.

Okay so learning that people have awkward relationships to their emotional selves had a lot turbulence. I had to keep reminding my self that I live in a culture where emotional maturity doesn’t actually happen until well into the 30s of it happens at all. I also needed to constantly remind myself that that my level of self awareness is not the same as others. There are those way more aware and those absolutely not aware at all. There are those getting help with it, those working on their own, starting off or not doing anything at all. Reminding my self of this has helped tremendously in social settings as well as personal ones. Yet again I find myself coming to clear communication. I’ve noticed when I can clearly state where I am emotionally or how I’m feeling about something or not understanding exactly what they are trying to portray. in a way that the other person can understand beings about this light, much like a light bulb flicking on, and they themselves tend to respond in a similar manner. Sometimes it weird and awkward but who isn’t weirdly awkward? I’m working on starting the something new. I’m thinking of starting a blog documenting my spiritual journey and my therapy journey. It’s still in baby phases but I think I’m going to go that route.

I have decided to expand on this philosophical thought process. We as individuals are literally our own galaxy. Each one maintained with a delicate precision. These collective galaxies make up a whole diverse universe. Our jobs isn’t to form more galaxies like ourselves but rather to allow each galaxy to thrive so that life can grow. Our job as an individual is to understand that their galaxy isn’t ours Nor is it meant to be. We are meant to give what we can and receive what will help us grow and to share share it with others. If change is needed by another individual it is not our job to force it but to watch as others take and process the information. They must make that choice if their own volition. They need to be for their path and choices and thoughts may influence another to do or be better than when the exchange occurred.

I think the first thing I learned was the joy of dance. It didn’t matter if I had rhythm or if I was in a bad mood put on some music with a flowing beat and good lyrics. I will lose myself to the blissful peace in dance. Climbing I’ve never been much for. There’s joy there but it’s more a relaxed peace than a lively one. I enjoy it when I can but the failure to reach the top and falling tends to hurt both emotionally and physically. Running, haha I learned to run before I learned to walk or dance. It was a stress relief both with physical exertion and mental Olympics. I had to learn when it was okay to run and when I needed to stay. Walking once I got the hang of it was a no brainer. It’s as easy as breathing. One step inhale two step exhale. Stop breath smell the roses and start again. I’ve never flown. I’m not sure if it’s the idea that anything could happen in the air and cause serious damage or if it’s the lack of solid earth beneath my feet. Hell it could even be something completely separate from those that I’m not aware of at this point in time. Either way right now I’m content to have my feet on the ground and to leave flying for another day. That unknown fear is not ready to be addressed just yet.

Thank you for reading my word vomit.

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