Mourning has Broken

On my way to work yesterday morning (yes I showered and left the house — no worries — I am pretty much alone in the office doing essential work), I was thinking about how I am feeling. I feel lost, I have a hard time focusing and concentrating, and I have a hard time getting motivated in the morning. And I’m sure I’m not alone. Showering and putting real clothes on to go to work felt like the good old days!

While I was driving, it hit me. I figured out why these feelings are so familiar — it’s called grief. The last time I felt this lost and unsure was after my husband passed away in 2012. We are all in mourning. We are mourning our past lives of only three or four weeks ago. We are mourning not being able to go to work with our coworkers, we are mourning not being able to see family and friends, we are mourning our old way of life. We are tearing up for what we think is no reason. I know that every time someone does anything nice for me I cry. I seem to be feeling everything more deeply as if my nerves are closer to the surface.

We have had sudden and rapid changes to our lives, livelihoods, routines, relationships and lifestyles. The corona virus has robbed us of our normalcy and we have had to pivot quickly to keep up with the almost daily changing mandates of behavior and safety. It’s all like a sudden and unsuspected death, and we are going through the motions of trying or best to keep ourselves together.

Parents are now home as teachers, we are conference calling with staff that we used to sit next to, and as leaders we are being asked to make decisions with no precedent and no crystal ball for the future. It’s a tough spot indeed.

I remember after my husband passed away, I kept thinking “I want this part to be over.” “I want to get onto the next part of my life that isn’t so empty and painful.” And that’s exactly what I am feeling now. We all want this to be over.

I am also the person who looks for the positives and looks for the lessons to be learned, and there are a lot of takeaways from the world-wide situation. Our frenetic pace has slowed, families are cooking and eating dinner together again, we are holding our loved ones closer, communicating more, and I see so many good deeds every day to help those who are less fortunate. I know for me personally, my world has become so much smaller and quieter, and I’m okay with that.

Together we can ride out this storm and I hope to come out the other side a stronger and better person. I know that I will land on my feet. I always have. As I have said many times lately, each day is not the worst day I have had in my life. That bar has been set pretty high.

We got this.

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