Sex is Just Another Pleasure

A pleasure I don’t need while I work through my separation and divorce.

Sex is an addiction, especially when you have been with the same sexual partner for many decades. Sex is something that is missed when a relationship ends — the physical pleasure, the intimacy, the act of love. But the emotional longing, to have sex with the ex, wanes over time.

By the time my wife and I separated, we had been sexless for four to five months. Another four months have passed since the separation. I still get minutely sexually aroused sometimes when communicating with my ex, but the intensity and frequency of arousal has definitely diminished. For all intents and purposes, I am well on the path to putting my sexual feelings towards my wife behind me. That said, grief is a roller coaster, with denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance coming and going. If I had any doubt about my growing acceptance, my wife’s filings related to divorce hearings have put the issue beyond doubt. This is not a safe relationship to be in, for either of us.

During one of my “let’s get on with life” phases, I tried online dating. I was not ready for it.

I simply was not ready to be involved with someone else who wanted an emotional commitment. Sure, after a few drinks I loosened up a little, but the next day, even the smallest act of intimacy, even things well short of sex, troubled me deeply. It is really hard to jump in emotionally with someone else when you have spent decades erecting emotional barriers between yourself and potential suitors.

Would I be capable of meaningless sex with someone if there was NO chance of emotional entanglement? I don’t know; possibly. It would obviously mean I had decided that reconciliation with my ex was something not possible or not desired. That aside, I suspect I might be capable. After all, I have meaningless sex with myself all the time, just to scratch the itch that is the ever-present male urge to release sperm into the wild. At this level of…

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